On just ending it

No one really knows this about me, but I’m the type to have suicidal thoughts very often. It doesn’t have to be when I’m sad, it could be when I’m just thinking or spacing out. It doesn’t even have to be a flashy suicide, or even a violent one. Sometimes when I drive, I fantasize how it’ll be to hit the building, the ramp or the post at full speed. Of course, I would never bring anyone else with me, so I’ll probably be the type to speed off a bridge and into the ocean, where I think I belong. 

It’s funny because my mom always tells me to be careful of my sister’s feelings and emotions cause she is so fragile she might think about suicide or something like that. That’s an entirely laughable premise because I doubt that she has contemplated on killing herself more often than me. 

Who is stronger?

I think I’m going through a phase in my life again. I often have these phases, especially during middle school, and honestly, going online and distracting the hell out of myself helped me forget about it. I don’t think it’s depression since I’m not at all sad like that, but still I am quite sad. It’s hard to explain. 

It’s like I just want to wear a mask so I don’t have to see people and vice versa. I’m tired of my face. I’m tired of making expressions, of smiling, of pretending to care. I just want to let my face sag and frown. 

I’m tired of people, too. I’m just tired of people, all of them. No one’s an exception this time. No one really knows me, and that’s my fault. I never opened up to anyone, then again, no one really wanted to know. So I guess it’s fine? I mean, even my own boyfriend doesn’t know me. Just flat surface, I guess. Isn’t that how it is? It’s so funny and laughable. How can they know me? If they never asked? I’m tired of this.

I spend my free days curled up in bed doing absolutely nothing. I go online and watch things to distract myself from reality. When I have to talk to people again and smile and pretend that I’m completely fine. I’m not fine, but it’s always been that way. I wasn’t looking for a savior, anyways.